CYBERSEX
Dr. Paul M. Midden

What is cybersex?

For members of the clergy or those in religious life, cybersex use, defined as any use of the internet or world wide web for prurient purposes, is a special problem. Not only can it be illegal, as in the use of child pornography or physical contact with a minor, but it also reflects a specific violation of chastity. As such, it is a compromise of the integrity needed to live a consecrated life happily. It also raises the prospect of scandal. These reasons alone are enough to send red flags flying whenever there is the possibility of cybersex use. The tragic stories, of course, occur in the lives of those who struggle with these behaviors because of the devastating impact on their mental, moral, and sometimes physical health.

Those who misuse the internet

Why do priests and religious men or women turn to internet misuse? It is commonly known that such behavior is not considered acceptable by Christians across the board, much less those in the consecrated life. Why is this most obvious of transgressions so common these days? The answers to these questions lie in the personal stories of the men and women who engage in such activity.

Fr. Carl M. was a priest in a rural area who cared for three parishes. He was a good man with no history of acting out. He had struggled with depression some years ago, but that had been stable for some time. He was on medication and doing fine. Or so everyone thought. One day his secretary noticed pictures of nude women in the printer, where he had evidently left them the day before. She, of course, contacted the chancery and steps were taken to remove Carl from his parishes. He admitted printing 1000 such pictures over the previous year.

Why had this otherwise good and devoted man turned to this scandalous behavior, compromising his ministry and endangering his career? The answers reflect a story all too common these days.

Carl was depressed. Despite his cheery disposition after Mass on Sunday and despite the fact that he was on medication, Carl's mood had tumbled over the past year. At first, he found the images on the screen titillating, energizing him in a way that felt particularly good in contrast to the dreary dullness that accompanied his blackening mood.

Carl was lonely. There were people who worked in the rectory during the day, but they went home at night. He was forty miles from his closest friend, and meeting up with him entailed a tedious drive. He was sixty miles from his nearest relative. His mother, to whom he had always been devoted, was getting older, infirm, and increasingly demanding. He could expect little support there.

Carl was a very private person. His hobbies were generally solitary: carpentry, photography: things he could do by himself. He enjoyed those things, but over time the solitary nature of them began to weigh on him. And they involved more energy than his depressed mood allowed.

When the depression first set in, Carl found that spending some time surfing images on the net stimulated tantalizing fantasies bolstered by vivid images on the screen and gave him some diversion from his terrible mood. Over time, however, he began to recognize that the amount of time he was spending on the web was increasing. An hour a day; two hours; then three to four hours--pretty much all his free time. Toward the end, the titillation was not really there; the mood elevator did not really work; the stimulation was gone. . .

Carl was a sex addict. He engaged in sexual behavior that brought him no real pleasure. He compulsively surfed the net to bring relief, but in reality his depression deepened because of the very activity that initially helped. It no longer mattered that it didn't work or that it violated his vows or that he might be discovered: all that mattered was the dead daily ritual of mindless activity that happened to have a sexual focus. Carl was hooked.

As time went on, the shame set in, the kind of shame that lent spice at the beginning when he felt he was doing something "bad", something forbidden that he knew would provoke the disapproval of others. That initial kick gave way to a dull sense of internal emptiness and unworthiness that left Carl isolated, lonelier, more depressed, and more compulsive. It would take something significant to short-circuit this cycle, and the discovery of his printed pictures was significant.

These are typical factors that lead people, both men and women, to engage in behavior that is unhealthy, inappropriate, and often dangerous to the reputation of the Church.

There are, of course, other types of cases, where people are not quite so unsuspecting, where sexual acting out is not something that a person 'falls into' but is rather a deliberate decision to exempt onself from the rules, obligations, and commitments that one has publicly accepted.

Fr. Louis J was a very successful man. He had completed his doctorate and worked in important jobs in his university-affiliated community. He was trusted and respected by those with whom he worked. His star was rising in his community. But there was a side to him that not one of his collegues saw, a side that was preoccupied with sexual contact, and a conscience that had long been inured to the routine compromises of integrity in which Louis engaged. And his preferred vehicle for finding the objects of his attentions was the internet, specifically a search engine for young gay men.

Louis represents not someone who backed into sexual contact out of loneliness or depression-- even though you may find both if you look closely enough--but rather someone who believed that sexual contact was acceptable for a vowed religious. If not acceptable to the public at large, at least to him and perhaps to a select group of like-minded persons with whom he had connected over the years. You can't really live without sex, can you? This type of person is not just sad; he is deluded and possibly dangerous. He is also someone for whom the internet means not just an illicit distraction; for Louis, it means an almost endless supply of victims on whom to prey. Pointing and clicking in order to identify and target victims. Perhaps anonymously; perhaps in full disclosure. But sexual gratification is the point. Again and again and again.

Now these two cases have much in common: In both cases, loneliness is likely to be present, as is some form of depression. After all, people reach out sexually for reasons, and these often have to do with a sense of emptiness or dissatisfaction in their lives. However, the former is a 'victimless' activity (a not quite accurate designation, for it means not counting the perpetrator); the second typically entails a littered path of victims that often stretches over a period of years. But in both, internet use figures prominently. It is true that one can still go to a bookstore to purchase pornography or one can cruise parks or rest areas looking for casual sexual contact. But the internet offers specific advantages:

Why the internet?

1. The web offers a cornucopia of choices for sexual expression. Whether by age group, sexual orientation, fetish, or paraphilia, everything and anything can be found with great specificity online.

2. The web offers the illusion of privacy and spares one the embarrassment of being seen in an x-rated bookstore or found cruising in a public place. While we know that almost all web communication can ultimately be traced, many users are unaware of that this is the case. If they do know this, they probably also know that the sheer number of computers makes discovery improbable.

3. In any reasonably sized metropolitan area, the opportunities for contact are many, often with specific types of sexual contact available. Like-minded people can easily be found and meeting places arranged; this avoids the legal complications of cruising public places.

Difficulties of intervening in cases of cybersex use

There are several important difficulties to consider in intervening in cases of cybersex. One is that by the time such behavior comes to the attention of religious superiors it almost always involves a pattern of sexual compulsivity, whether that entails ritualized and time-consuming cruising of erotic websites, autoerotic behavior, or cruising for physical contact. Secondly, sexual activity on the internet is by its nature a private activity. Unless someone is discovered, as in our first case, this behavior can persist for years without a trace. Discoveries are usually made by people leaving printed materials around inadvertently; computer repair persons discovering caches of pornographic images; or sweeps of network computers in an office. Otherwise, it is the individual himself who needs to come forward and recognize that his behavior is out of control.

How to tell if someone is in trouble

But how does an individual know that he is in trouble with internet use? The answer to this is deceptively simple: when he has developed a pattern of returning to pornographic sites, or when he uses the internet to make illicit sexual contact with others. Given how advertisements work online, it is possible for anyone to link inadvertently or even deliberately to a pornographic site on any given occasion. Passing curiosity may impel a person to check out a site that pops up or that shows up on his email inbox. But to return to a site repeatedly or to get into a habit of visiting such sites is a clear and simple signal of trouble. In addition, any visits to child pornography sites are particularly troublesome because of their illegality and the implications regarding the sexual orientation and preference of the user.

What to do

A careful evaluation of cybersex use is an essential first step in remediating the problems. Identifying the exact patterns of use, examing the possibility of underlying mood disorders, placing the behavior in a greater perspective--especially when others are involved--and identifying the areas of emotional development that need attention: all of these elements are essential to develop a proper treatment plan. Because such behavior most often persists for a long time before discovery, habits are rooted, beliefs and feelings about self, others, and sexual contact in place, and patterns of remorse or the lack of it routine. It is the task of the mental health worker to articulate the problems, prioritize them, and develop a blueprint for intervention and recovery. This is an active and intense process that requires marshalling multiple modalities--individual therapy, group therapy, spiritual direction, and skill training activities.

Cybersex is a new twist on an ancient human conundrum: to look to the pleasurable things in life for relief or diversion or joy and to lose oneself in the process. This does not happen to everyone who has a computer, and research has yet to be able to differentiate those who are vulnerable to addiction from those who are not. But we do know much about the pain and misery of most people who are locked into private patterns of shameful behavior and the negative effects of such shame on a sense of self, on a view of life, and on a capacity to minister joyfully.

In these cases confronting the user will often result in an overwhelming sense of relief at being "caught". In other cases, denial will not be easily relinquished. In either case, clinical intervention has a history of success with these conditions once the veil of secrecy has been lifted. As with many life challenges, facing one's behavior with honesty and courage allows a person to redirect his life in a more thoughtful and self-possessed way. To do this, we humans need support, direction, and encouragement, and this is what treatment programs provide to those who suffer.

Paul M. Midden, Ph.D. is Clinical Director of the St. Louis Consultation Center in St. Louis, Missouri. He has worked with women religious and clergy for over 20 years.

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